The importance of recognizing our own self-worth

As I look back at my previous post, Wings of Change, written just three months ago, I see that the first sentence in that post compared that time to one year previously, where I’d written about The Only Constant in Life is Change. See a common thread here? Well, things also changed significantly for me during the past three months.

Photo by Diana Schröder-Bode on Unsplash

In October of 2021 I wrote excitedly of my plans to spend three months in Mexico, mid-December to mid-March, starting with a month-long house sit and then adventuring out to neighbouring areas. Over the past two years, people have spoken of ‘pre-pandemic’. My plans had been made pre-Omicron, and things shifted quickly as this new variant spread rapidly. In the forefront of my mind was that I’d made a commitment and was not someone who would let anyone down. Then, as the variables of so many what-ifs crossed my mind, and the various Plan Bs were considered, I came to a point where the anxiety of what might happen, although it seemed like the worse-case scenario, started to overwhelm me. Once I had made the decision that my health had to take precedence over my commitment, I contacted the house sit homeowners. They were compassionate, understanding, non-judgmental, and supportive. They were quickly able to work on their Plan B and make alternate arrangements. Sadly, many of the things I had considered as worse-case scenarios have since happened to many, and so I had not been at all alarmist in my thoughts. I kept in touch with the homeowners, and learned that their travels, and that of their family members, had been disrupted by not only the pandemic but also the inclement weather that affected flights. It was a not-so-perfect storm and the homeowner commented that I had made a wise choice in deciding not to travel. Soon after, our government had also reinstated its advisory to avoid non-essential travel. I now have no intention of travelling any distance until things are far more settled.

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So where has that left me? Physically, in another cold Canadian winter. However, with a great sense of relief that is far stronger than my dislike of cold weather. Where has it left me emotionally? Something I probably would not have shared publicly before this pandemic, but I am learning the benefits of sharing as it helps not only myself, but also others. Emotionally I at times struggle with feeling like my life is in a holding pattern. I’m one of those planes circling above the airport, waiting for the signal to land. The only thing is, I’m the reverse in that I’m waiting for the signal to fly again. And in the meantime? Where do I stand, emotionally? Like many others I encounter, at times finding it difficult to see how I am accomplishing much more than just ticking another day off a calendar; trying to find some real purpose in my life.

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This week I had reason to reassess my feelings of worth. In part it was from an interaction with someone I volunteer with, who phoned and appeared overly anxious about a project we were working on. In truth, she was harsh with me, and yet I worked to calm her and ease her concerns. I didn’t think I’d succeeded. However, the next day she emailed me and was hard on herself for how she had treated me. She was struggling, saying she felt like she was a prisoner in her own home. This was a direct outcome of a snowstorm where we were being asked not to travel unless it was essential. Just another burden on top of the one of the past two years. I replied, asking her to be kind to herself, and asked if she would be that hard on someone else, if they had spoken a little out of turn. Of course not, she said. So then why do we do it to ourselves? Why are we so often so critical of ourselves, I wondered?

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Then it was time for me to listen to those same questions. Why was I finding it difficult to find my worth and purpose these days? I took stock, and the following is not in any way to pat myself on the back, but rather to scold myself for being so unkind to myself. I continue to physically volunteer for two agencies, where I serve those in the vulnerable sector who are more harshly affected by this pandemic. I volunteer online for three organizations, giving much of my time to assist others. I will quickly say that these volunteer tasks fill much of my time. Without them, I might be climbing these walls that I hibernate in. My life does have worth, and does have value, and I need to remind myself of that. I need to be kinder to myself.

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I will close by mentioning kindness that has been shown to me over the past week, where others may not have even realized the effect they can have on others, no matter how small the effort it took. The close friend who shared at the start of her day that it had little structure, and we shared that other than a shower, there was little else happening that day. We felt heard, and that our days were not that unusual. To the friend who had concerns about a sadness in my tone in a recent tweet I had sent her, and so voice called me, shared that concern, and made sure I was OK. That touched my heart, and also made me smile as the tweet wasn’t meant to have that undertone. To the friend who knew I was to stop by her home and so text me to bring a take-out container as they had made a big pot of soup. She’s the friend who always mothers me, and worries about me, and I appreciate that. And then there’s the friend who drove by my home to see if my vehicle needed digging out from the storm. And to an online volunteer I collaborate with, who yesterday sent me a message: “Cannot thank you enough for all the support you have given us these past months!!!”. And to the two supervisors of voluntary work I do, who both said this week that they wish they could clone me. I told the second person that she’d need to stand in line as she was the second request of the week. To all these people, thank you for reminding me of my worth. I am reminded that I am doing more than just circling in a holding pattern.

Photo by Ezequiel Garrido on Unsplash

Finally, a message to my walking partner, who I would usually meet two or three times a week. This month we have been on a hiatus, as our indoor walking track is closed because of pandemic restrictions, and we won’t currently walk outdoors. I’ll look forward to us stepping out together, and sharing our stories and support. She will know who she is, as she’s a reader of this blog. I’ll be ready again, when the track opens, or the weather improves. I know it will be healthy for me to get out of my igloo and breathe fresh air and chatter away. I’m looking forward to it. And yes, in case you may wonder, my runners are purple, and as bright as those in the photo. You can see me coming from a mile away. 😎